What indeed? I have struggled with this post for months. And got no where. But I think I have it straight in my head now. I want express my concerns about the position of men in society, without being accused of being a misogynist or squealing “it’s all gone too far” like some Daily Mail leader. My thought is that the original intention of feminism was to bring men and women into a state of equality, by freeing them both from society’s expectations. What has actually happened is that the position of women has improved at the expense of the position and self-confidence of men. We wanted win-win and we got win-lose, and we need to complain; we need to get back to at least wanting win-win.
I was brought up in a single-parent household. My mother was no respecter of men; her father was, as far as I can tell, a domineering bully who kept the women in the family in a constant state of fear. As an adult, my mother had a bad history of abusive and dysfunctional relationships. I learned early on that men were a bad lot. My mother firmly believed that a man’s job was to go out to work, deliver his pay packet unopened on Friday, not drink or gamble to excess, carry heavy things and do jobs around the house. She really didn’t see men’s role in the family extending much beyond that. She said to me on several occasions that she didn’t want to be equal to men; she was happy to be an apparently second class citizen, while actually ruling the roost with cunning, manipulation and bloody-mindedness (my paraphrase). I don’t think her view was untypical.
My mother’s idea of a man’s role in life was not at all attractive, and I can remember being very resentful that (according to her view of life) my future was to be a meal-ticket for a woman who would see me as a necessary encumbrance to be kept sweet so she could get what she wanted for herself and her children.
Times change, but have society’s (and women’s) expectations of men really changed? What does society think of men?
Advertisers obviously think that women don’t think much of men if their output is anything to go by. Men are routinely the butt of sexist humour in advertising aimed at women. Men are portrayed as stupid, imperceptive lumps only interested in football, beer and leering at women; the ideal husband in this scenario is one who does the bidding of the real head of the household, even though that compliance may have to be won by subterfuge and manipulation. Women are thus shown as cleverer, better at planning and knowing what’s best for their loved ones, more perspicacious and caring.
Society thinks that men are violent. “Our lads” are lauded when they are getting killed in some crazy foreign war that our forefathers bequeathed to us, but otherwise young men are feared and worried over as a potential army of yobs on a drunken rampage; physically threatening; risk taking; unruly, irresponsible and dangerous.
Society thinks that men remain children. From the age of about 12, girls are included increasingly in the lives of adults and achieve an adult role. At the same sort of age, boys are excluded from polite society and enter a long (increasingly long) adolescence, isolated in a world which values self-reliance over co-operation, conflict over conciliation, arrogance over self-confidence and competitive sports over education. Is it a surprise then that by their early twenties, girls are young women, ready for adult life and boys are still boys, but with bigger toys?
Women have increasingly had the educational playing field levelled, with the introduction of modular courses and examined course-work. These needed reforms and the changing attitude of society to the economic resource that women represent has led to huge strides for women in education and the professions, where women now make up the majority of new entrants. Success has been less apparent in the competitive worlds of business and politics, but that’s coming I’m sure – but at what cost?
My generation was promised increasing leisure time, but that has turned out to mean poverty and unemployment for many, and overwork for the rest. Everyone works now – men and women equally. Nonetheless, women remain the locus of life (relationships, children, caring, emotions, social relations, co-operating and making things nice) and men have got stuck with being the curators of machines (bridges, computers, ships, aeroplanes). Even this position is not static, women are more and more encouraged to enter technical, scientific and engineering fields.
If the sisters can do it all for themselves, what, is it that men have that is their unique contribution to society? Men are no longer able to claim superiority in mechanics and engineering, science, art and poetry while leaving child-rearing and domesticity to women. For every advance in the position of women, men take a step back and have a smaller and smaller space to stand. The more men withdraw, the poorer and poorer role models boys have to work with. Eventually, I fear, men’s role in society will become ever more un-valued, and the position of men will become more of problem.
Maybe, we need to clearly understand what men are for, and that needs to be an important job, otherwise we risk coming to the conclusion that men’s unique contribution is as a sperm-donor – in which case the long-term outlook for men is no better than it is for bull-calves!
Of course I have an answer, and one which may be forced on us by economic circumstances. Observe that men and women are increasingly overburdened, and their quality of life suffers, and the quality of life of those around them suffers as well. This stress is caused by the relentless pursuit of economic growth, even though we already have more than plenty.
So why not stop chasing after more stuff and start living a little bit more like we used to? Take our time and not rush everywhere – may be think about how we can use technology to reduce travel. Maybe work fewer days per week, and spend more time with the children – and I mean both men and women; OK, our standard of living may be lower, but our quality of life may be higher. Of course, any one who wished to drive themselves into the ground would be welcome to, but should society encourage that as a life choice? Enough is enough, after all; and too much is by definition a bad thing.
We could enable men and women to return to a place where they were living fulfilled lives, and the real promise of feminism could be delivered. I’m not arguing that women should get back to the kitchen and men should get back to the office; I’m saying that they should both spend time in the kitchen and the office! Then we will know what men are for – to be part of society, valued for their contributions, that they will then (because they have the skills) be able to make right to the end of their lives (how many men these days retire one day and are dead six months later, when women go on making a contribution to the family into their nineties?)
Being rich means having enough without having to work for a living; by this measure rethinking the role of men enriches both men and women. If we start now, maybe we won’t need to get to a point where men feel disenfranchised, rebel and start the pendulum swinging the opposite way (like women did in the sixties). Wouldn’t that be nice for a change?
