Another week, and another non-apology: this time it’s the Prime Minister not apologising for offensively suggesting that facing Ed Balls across the floor of the Commons was “like having someone with Tourette’s permanently sitting opposite you", according to the Daily Mail Online. This is the casual cruelty that you might expect from a school-boy, rather than someone with a responsible role in society (or “our country” as I’m sure he’d call it – by which he means the country that belongs to him and his mates). Of course, the offense caused was to Tourette’s sufferers, rather than the aggressive politician with a lisp and a growing waistline who was actually in Cameron’s thoughts when speaking! (I wonder whether the PM would have got into more or less trouble if he’d called Balls “a big fat-tho”?)
Last week, it was Diane Abbott (just for political balance), who didn’t apologise for this Tweet:
And before that, it was the king of non-apologisers, buffoon and professional troll, Jezza Clarkson, who didn’t apologise for saying that striking public sector workers should be shot (Telegraph online)!
But hang on! Didn’t all these people issue apologies later? Well, yes and no. What they said, respectively, was:
“If I offended anyone, I’m very sorry about that, it wasn’t my intention at all” (Cameron)
"I apologise for any offence caused.” (Abbott)
"I didn't for a moment intend these remarks to be taken seriously -- as I believe is clear if they're seen in context. If the BBC and I have caused any offence, I'm quite happy to apologise for it alongside them." (Clarkson)
I think I know quite a lot about apologising because I have had to do quite a lot of it. In my opinion, an apology has three elements: an acceptance that harm has been done and done by you; an expression of contrition; and a request for forgiveness. By that definition, none of the respective “apologies” come close to the mark.
First of all, notice that none of them accept that offence has actually been caused: all three seem to believe that it is possible that offence has been caused, but none of them accept that it actually has been caused. If no harm has been caused, then they don’t need to accept that they did the harm. What Cameron and Clarkson said was offensive, but I’m not sure that Abbott’s Tweet was other than fair comment. Maybe that’s why her apology is, well, such an apology of an apology!
Next, is there an expression of contrition? Cameron seems to come closest (“I’m very sorry about that”); Abbott’s attempt is miserable, she doesn’t seem to think that the issue has anything to do with her at all. Clarkson’s effort is a masterpiece of avoidance – in effect he says, “if offence has been caused and if the BBC apologises then I would apologise as well, but I’m not going to say I’m sorry because I was obviously joking”. When apologising, everything after the “but” is bullshit – it doesn’t help if you get your “buts” in before the apology!
Lastly, there is the question of asking for forgiveness. It is true that, when you ask for forgiveness, there is nothing you can do if the person from whom you request forgiveness refuses to give it. But that’s what you have to do - it requires humility, courage and trust to subject yourself to the judgement of another. Not surprisingly, none of these three asks for forgiveness, they seem to think it sufficient to say that they would apologise if it were demonstrated that offence had been caused. Well, it may be sufficient, but it isn’t an apology!
Apologising is simple – but like lots of simple things, it isn’t easy. You need to have enough humility and honesty to see that you have been in the wrong, you have to care enough about others to want to put the harm right by an expression of contrition, and you have to be brave, humble and trusting enough to accept the judgement of others, even if that is going to be at further personal cost. It’s not only the Camerons, Clarksons and Abbotts who have difficulty with it, we all do. We are all too arrogant, dishonest, self-centred, faithless and cowardly to apologise properly. It’s a shame really, because it really is good for the soul.
So next time you get caught out doing something wrong, instead of pretending it’s not a problem, or that it’s someone else’s fault, why not try saying you’re sorry for the thing you have done, you regret the harm that it has caused, and that you would like the person harmed to forgive you. At least you will be free from being accused that you didn’t apologise properly!
